It's Drawfs with a F, not a V apparently

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Snow White and the Seven Drawfs (1937), the first animated full length feature, the so-called Disney's Folly that turned into a smash success, won Walt an honorary Oscar, has its own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, old-timey trailer guy, take it away!

What do I think of it? Um... it sure is purty. 2-D animation ages pretty well and Snow White is no exception. You wouldn't be able to say the same for most of the early 3-D animated flicks and even recent ones (for the love of God, exercise caution and have bleach prepared to wash out your eyes if you ever stumble upon anything from that movie Foodfight!) I believe the library offered a viewing of Snow White for the kiddies when I was in elementary school because I distinctly remember the climatic scene where the Evil Queen in her peddler's disguise falls off the cliff. That's it, that's all I remember from my childhood about this movie.

Dear lord, the pacing on this thing. Let's get started, it'll be twenty-ish minutes before we meet the dwarves  dwarfs. We start off with the archetypal storybook.

Going to see quite a few of these fancy fairy tale books, gold filigree oh-la-la 

With all the voiceover narrations in today's movies, I expected someone to start reading, but hey I'm not an ESL kid anymore

We start off with the Queen asking "Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" so it's not "Mirror Mirror on the Wall" (eh, that was still a not very good movie).

Disclaimer: I tried to watch it, but wow I couldn't believe how distracting Lily Collins' eyebrows were.

The Mirror tells her there's someone out there fairer than her. Of course the Queen demands to know who and the Mirror answers she has lips red as the rose, hair black as ebony, skin white as snow (should've started with that because the Queen would obviously know right away who the hell he was talking about). Oblivious to the fact that some magic mirror has now brought doom upon her, Snow White starts singing into the wishing well and dear lord... that voice. It reminds me of a girl in my 6th grade class. I remember my homeroom teacher calling out roll on the first day of school and she answered her name in an absurdly high pitched squeaky voice. I couldn't believe a human voice could reach that level of frequency, but that was her normal speaking voice. And I'm no Morgan Freeman, whenever I hear a recording of myself, I wonder why my friends don't punch me in the face every time I speak to them.

Snow White starts wishing for a man (she's fourteen I believe, so she has her priorities set already) and lo and behold, a man appears, and not just any man, but a prince. (If I had any Photoshop skills, I would totally do a Pokemon joke right here.) He jumps right over that castle wall because princes are above trespassing laws. He stands next to her by the well and starts singing along, And so we begin the tradition of the lovers’ first meeting, starting with the prince being a total creeper on his princess (looking at you Prince Phillip, but at least Aurora's sixteen so I'll give you that). What do you do when your wish comes true? Well, Snow White runs away and shuts the door behind her.

There's no official name for Snow White's prince. Ferdinand and Florian are sometimes mentioned, but he's just known as The Prince in the movie so I'm gonna call him Creeper Prince because I need some fun reviewing this. If you don't like that, well he's not in the movie for long anyways, so no worries. He was originally planned to be kidnapped by the Queen and make a great escape only to be late to save Snow White from the poisoned apple before giving her that big ole grand finale smooch. However, he was very difficult to animate and most of his plotline was cut off. As an example of early Disney human animation, only three years before this movie came out, The Goddess of Spring was released as a Silly Symphony short.

After watching this on YouTube, I learned to appreciate Snow White's animation a hell of a lot more

Also,

This joke will never get old for me

A girl running away from him won't deter Creeper Prince so he starts singing to her and she falls in love immediately because Disney magic damn it. The Queen is there watching this PDA and is not pleased.

I know how you feel. This one couple made out in front of me every morning before class, but they broke up the next year, ah high school!

 The lovebirds exchange kisses via pigeon/dove/I'm not a ornithologist.

I think that's how you get bird flu, kids.

The Queen orders her Huntsman to take Snow White to the forest to pick some wildflowers and kill her. Oh, and she has this super special box for him to place her in heart in. We all know the Huntsman isn't going to go through with it and he tricks the Queen with a pig's heart. Personally, I would've gone a different route of confirming the kill.

I just hope my shipment didn't get mixed up with someone else's

If I was Snow White, I would've been awfully suspicious that my stepmother who made me wear rags and become a scullery maid let me out in nice clothes (she's wearing her signature outfit from this point on) with a hunter (best protection when picking flowers in the forest). The Huntsman tells her to run away because the queen is mad, which fits someone whose motive for murder is "she was prettier than me".

I'll admit the forest scenes are pretty creepy and I was a huge wuss when I was a little kid (more on that later) so I assume I probably blocked those out. People call out on Snow White for being weak, but she's a fourteen year who's running away from the only home she's ever known because her only parental figure alive wants to kill her. And it's a really creepy forest: branches that turn into claw-like hands, logs that turn into crocodiles, she even falls into a pit and grabs onto a vine before falling into the abyss.

Never had that whole rope climbing thing for gym class, but I'm assuming it's prep for situations like this?

The final straw is all these eyes staring back at her from the trees before she collapses in despair and starts crying. That's when these little guys come in.

So many. Cute. Animals. It’s pretty much practice for Bambi.

Snow White apologizes for making such a fuss and says, “What do you do when things go wrong? You sing a song!” Fun fact, this movie also had the first commercially available film soundtrack and the public just ate it up. So bring on those famous catchy tunes, Disney, because what company doesn't love money?

They lead her to the dwarves’ dwarfs' house and at least she knocks first before entering. She's charmed by the tiny furniture and I can relate because cute things are even cuter when they're miniature (I don't much like dolls though, more on that later). She believes the place to be home to "little children" and wonders, “Maybe they have no mother?” So she decides to clean the house to surprise them. Ok, I know Snow White gets a lot of flack for being a stereotypical domestic female in this movie. But she was a scullery maid so cleaning the house would be another typical day for her and she is an orphan herself. She has no real maternal figure (only a homicidal one) and probably feels empathy for these “little orphan children” and um *cough cough*, maybe they’ll let her stay if she tidies things up. How many of you wished your roommate cleaned up once in a while? She’s pretty sly too, getting her cutie animal buddies to help her clean up while she gets the broom since she’s the only one with opposable thumbs. Seriously, the cute animals do not get enough credit for the help they give Snow White, but I guess Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and the Cute Forest Animals is too long of a title.

You know what would help those animals doing the laundry? Someone with opposable thumbs!

We jump to the dwarfs and it's now 5 o'clock so HEIGH HO, HEIGH HOOOOO! Damn it, this song is so damn catchy and I know there's more damn catchy songs to come in the canon and we're nowhere close to the Sherman Brothers' territory. They come home to find the fire's been lit inside and that's mighty suspicious.

“Jiminy Cricket!” (actual quote)  Ha, I find that so oddly adorable. Gee, I’ve forgotten what movie I’m watching next.

We spend way too much time on them creeping around the house trying to find the intruder before they dump Dopey the job of going upstairs.

That’s what you get for not being able to grow a beard, Dopey.

After more shenanigans, all the dwarfs go upstairs and find the figure sleeping in their beds.

Just wanted to remind you that’s a 14 year old they were about to trounce. 

They're so utterly charmed by the princess's beauty, but Grumpy doesn't trust womenfolk and warns them against it. Snow White offers her domestic skills and she can bake too! Gooseberry pie seals the deal because truly, food is the key to (little) men’s hearts. She then tells them to wash up before supper and the dwarfs are confused by what the heck does washing up means, even though they have a tub outside and there's enough soup bars for each of them.

Damn it, even the flies are adorable in this movie.

They eat, they dance and sing, and Snow White tells them about the charming Creeper Prince she fell in love with. But it's time for bed and Doc tells her to sleep upstairs on her own. Guess they're being chivalrous, but Snow White only took up three of their beds (at least let Sleepy sleep in his own bed). Snow White worries about where they'll sleep, but Doc reassures her they'll be quite comfortable downstairs. Uh-huh, they end up sleeping in cabinets, sinks...

It's not perverted, he's just fluffing it up like a pillow because Dopey had a nightmare and woke him up, ergo not perverted

 He's actually sleeping on the butt, little fish.

Meanwhile back to the actual plot, the Queen has transformed into her disguise as an old hag and has made that famous poison apple. Like any smart witch, she double-checks her spell book.

“Nothing must be overlooked!” Props to you, Evil Queen, but you underestimate the Creeper Prince!

I really do like the design of her dungeon, she's got everything there, spellbooks, a raven (though he's more of a chicken as he mostly quivers in fear of the Queen), there's even a canal where she sets off from before she heads to the forest.

But someone didn’t clean up their Halloween decorati- oh, that used to be a dead body... moving on!

  She makes her way through the forest on her way for princess poisoning and we meet these two.

Hey there… starting to miss those other cute little forest animals already.

There we go! And they're also pie lovers apparently.

Now the dwarfs warn her about the Queen and even Grumpy who has warmed up to the princess by now tells her not to let anyone into the house. If Disney followed the original Grimm version of this story, I'd get bored by the second murder attempt (1st by bodice, 2nd by comb, 3rd by apple). The disguised Queen arrives and tries to tempt Snow White with the poison apple. The birds see the vultures and know something's not quite right with this creepy looking lady (remember ugly = bad, kids!).

I like to believe Alfred Hitchock was inspired to make The Birds from this movie

Snow White is displeased by the rudeness of her cute animals friends and lets the Queen into the house. She eats the apple, falls unconscious, and now the Queen is the fairest in the land (well as soon as she gets out of her peddler's disguise, but nope she's gonna die ugly). The animals run off to warn the dwarfs, but they're too late to save her. They chase the Queen to a cliff where she tries to crush them with a giant rock.

Gotta strike one last dramatic pose though

Lightning hits the cliff, she falls over, and...

Dinnertime, dearies.

The dwarfs and the animals mourn Snow White and it is a brief but touching scene. Because she is too beautiful to bury (and to succumb to decomposition), the dwarfs build a beautiful coffin for the princess and hold eternal vigil for her. And then...

Creeper prince arrives!

This movie really is purty though

Having no qualms about kissing a supposedly dead girl, Creeper Prince gives her true love's kiss to break the spell. Snow White really doesn't seem that surprised to wake up in a coffin, her reaction is more like she took a really long nap and yay her boyfriend arrived to pick her up. She gives each of the dwarfs a kiss on the head and says goodbye to them before she and the Creeper Prince head off to his castle.

Props to him for walking the whole way back home though.

Closing thoughts: the movie for me is a lot like the main character. It's pretty, sweet, and (mostly) wholesome, but there's not much to it. I don't mind movies that don't have much plot to it (there's more of those in the Disney Canon), but this doesn't cut it for me. I admire what this movie started and accomplished, but you need nostalgia to love this movie.

Mini-storytime here, for my ninth birthday, one of my mom's friends got me a fairly large Dopey plush doll (probably about a foot tall). You see, I sorta have what Wikipedia calls Automatonophobia: "the fear of anything that falsely represents a sentient being. This includes, but is not limited to, ventriloquist dummies, animatronic creatures, mannequins, and wax statues. This fear can manifest itself in numerous ways; every individual who suffers from the fear being different." How bad was my fear back then? When I was a toddler, I had a reoccurring nightmare of mannequins attacking my mom and I and we would hide in a building where they'd surround us like the zombies in Dawn of the Dead. No, I've never seen Mannequin (1987) and I don't want to. I've never been to the Hall of Presidents in Disneyland, but I didn't get freaked out by those singing animatronics at Innoventions in Tomorrowland (okay, maybe a little bit).

So not the best present for me, I stuffed that thing in my closet (didn't have a fear of monsters in my closets though), but I could feel Dopey's eyes watching me beyond that door. My mom donated it to a different friend's kids, but yeah I don't like stuff that looks like humans but isn't human. I had two Barbies, but they were more like curiosities I examined occasionally (also they were smaller and all I did was take off their clothes and put them back on). I had a shit ton of stuffed animals though (cute, cuddly, non human-like animals).

So what movie am I watching next?

It's about a talking puppet... that turns into an actual human boy, mother of God!